Bukan Curhat

Growing Old Is...

Agustus 31, 2019

photo source : pinterest

I never imagined that growing old would be boring.

When you can not hope to anyone, except yourself. Even hoping so bad to be heard, unless heard by your own ears and heart. When you must still look ordinary to others. When you have to remain a standby friend for anyone. Even when you start to fall in love with someone, and you are too lazy for the possibility of a broken heart prematurely.

Meeting with many people who actually can not eliminate your loneliness and emptiness. No matter how close you are to the people around you, you still feel very distant from them. A very real distance, though hidden so smooth. Distance that will remind you of your loneliness. About the deep empty spots that make you sick, even though no one hurt you .. The things that you think will eliminate your loneliness, or at least make you forget that you are the most lonely human in the world, are things that actually trap you in your loneliness.

Growing old, it turns out really annoying.

Growing old is an increasingly chronic laziness to meet anyone. Laziness even experience anything. Laziness to speak, laziness even to listen. Even though the whole world seems to never stop demanding you to always be willing to listen to them.

All fears that must be faced alone. Only you and yourself. Even sympathy that you cannot hope will be spoken by others to you. Sympathizing with yourself is the most likely choice.

Life goes on. But your ankles are shocked over something you can't avoid. You want to be truly free. And embrace many new things: settling in a strange place and getting to know strangers (again). Before returning to being a stranger, even to yourself.

Suddenly… you want to disappear, really disappear. People will forget that you ever existed, even on a birth certificate. You will find a way to completely disappear. To never be where you are now, never be known by anyone, has nothing to do with any form of life and anyone's life.

You hope you never plant seeds for anyone, or never become seeds for anything that can grow.

On the count of three ... taraaa... you are lost from anyone's memory. Being a puff of coffee smoke that never lasts long in the air.

Just disappear. And in the next second you are in a very strange place. With coffee, music, the soft sound of the wind, and your skull which contains nothing. Without thoughts about tomorrow: anxiety about tomorrow, or anxiety about a quieter tomorrow.

Growing old is a crazy dream to disappear suddenly. Or moksa, and get into the body of a cat - an animal that you hate your whole life - feels much better. Instead of feeling unspoken loneliness.

Growing old is always annoying. Before finding a way to disappear suddenly, you finally, once again, must remain grateful for the life that has been lived so far. Once again, must continue to undergo and undergo again. While hoping that God will keep your heart wide, however narrow your life feels.

Until you realize, what you really want is not the ability to disappear suddenly. Actually you just want someone to be a part of yourself and your life. Someone who wants to listen to you anytime. Someone who is willing to stay there for you, however handling you, is the most annoying thing in the world. Someone who willingly understands you, no matter how difficult it is.

Once again, someone who understands you. Someone who really knows that you have used your entire life to understand yourself, and you still need extra time to succeed.

And, you are startled to imagine that impossibility.

How can you expect someone to know and understand you while you realize that understanding yourself is the most difficult maze puzzle?

Growing old is a feeling of being tired to understand yourself.

Yes, so far. And I'm tired.

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